You are a counsellor on a telephone counselling line operated by a small LGBTQ community center in a mid-sized Canadian city. A client, who chooses to call himself Mark, calls you on the hotline one night, and tells you the following story about his life.
“I met Steven through my best friend on Christmas Eve, in 2010. I was 16 and he was 32. The first few months were great; he introduced me to the gay scene and to sex, bought me presents, took me to the theatre and generally made me feel special. It was my first real relationship and I finally felt like I was becoming an adult. After a few months he began to change. He started getting jealous when I spent time with friends but as I still lived with my family it didn’t seem like a big deal. As my 18th birthday approached he put pressure on me to move into his place. I was uneasy about it but wasn’t sure why so I went along with it. Over the next couple of years, I progressively lost my independence, and my self-esteem (which wasn’t that strong to begin with) was totally undermined. Steven wasn’t physically violent but he was manipulative and controlling and had a frightening temper. During one argument he smashed the iron through the ironing board, slammed the bedroom door so hard the frame broke and threw a shoe at me that smashed a group of photo frames. As the relationship went on I became increasingly isolated from everyone I had known. Steven constantly made fun of my weight. At every opportunity he’d make jokes about me being fat. When I asked him not to he said “I couldn’t take a joke” and then went on anyway. It got to the point where I hated my body so much that I wouldn’t even take my shirt off before getting into bed without turning off the light. I still hate the sight of my body even though I know, logically, I’m not fat. Eventually, I broke up with Steven, and we now avoid each other in social situations. The problem is now that I want to begin a new relationship with a great guy my own age, but fear that the same sorts of abuse will occur in this new relationship. What if a lot of these situations happened just because I was not “man enough to stand up for myself?” How can I take the risk of becoming involved in another relationship, fall in love and share my deepest emotions with a man who might also abuse me?”
Questions to Reflect Upon in Response to This Clinical Vignette
- What are the elements of Mark’s story that would lead you to conclude that he was in an abusive relationship with Steven? How are these abuse strategies described in such tools as the Power and Control Wheel for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Trans Relationships? Does Mark’s story reflect the reality of his recognition that he was in an abusive relationship?
Steve’s behaviours involve constant use of microaggression. Mocroagression refers to the use of verbal or nonverbal insult to inflict pain on others (def. ). According to the Power and Control Wheel for Lesbrain, Gay, Bisexual, and Trans Relationship, the category of Physical Abuse, Isolation, Itimidation, Psychological and Emotional abuse are seen in this senario (ref.). For instance, Steve constantly made fun of Mark’s weight and blamed that he is being too sensitive to take a joke. As a result, it causes serious damage to Mark’s self esteem and his perception of his body. This marks his psychological and emotional abuse toward Mark. His behaviours also involve signs of intimidation, such as “smash the iron from the iron boards” and “slammed the door”, which could be very frightening. Moreover, the fact that Steve tried to isolate Mark from everyone else indicates his manipulative and controlling personality. Thus, it can conclude that Mark was in an abusive relationship with Steve.
- In what ways could the trauma suffered by Mark in his relationship with Steven affect his psychological well-being? How would you explore this topic with Mark in a phone counselling session?
First of all, it causes harm to Mark’s self perception and his self-esteem. He felt so ashamed of his body that he could not even look at his body.
- How would you respond to the questions asked by Mark about his responsibility for the abuse he suffered and his concern about entering into future relationships?
- Do you feel that Mark might benefit from a more intensive form of counselling to explore any additional issues? What additional resources could you make Mark aware of that might assist his recovery?
Reference:
https://avp.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/2000_AVP_IPV_Wheel.pdf
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